feb 17 07

i was at a big big party. we realized all of the guests shoes had gone missing. we went outside and saw that the people responsible for stealing the shoes had laid them out underneath all of the cars in the parking lot.



then later i went out again and the shoe stealers themselves were also laying with their heads under the cars and their feet sticking out.



i was so mad at them for stealing all the shoes i wanted to kick one of them in the face. i didn't though, and went back inside to try and host the party. after a while a guy came to the door and handed me a case of beer and said "put those in the fridge for me will you?" with a smarmy smile. he wanted me to make his beer cold so he could go join the shoe stealers laying around in the parking lot. i was so angry i slammed the door in his face.

feb 09 07

there was a crocodile in my backyard. it was really scary. it was a mean, fast crocodile too. at one point there were two of them in my house. but by that point they were very tiny. so small, i could fit them in a jar. but i was still very scared. i grabbed them by the tails, and put them in the jar. i was sure they were going to bite me. and it's like when you catch a wasp in a jar and put a piece of cardboard over the top, you have to hold it there with your hand, but you're afraid the wasp will sting you through the cardboard. that's what it was like, so i screwed a metal cover on the jar. but then i thought they would not be able to breathe, so i poked holes in it with a pin.

i let them go outside, and they were full size crocodiles again. my dog kept running outside and i thought "if she goes around to the side of the house with the crocodiles on it, she will be eaten for sure" once again, very scary. my neighbor had a trailer for transporting crocodiles, and i hoped he would be able to catch it and take it away. this wasn't the first time there were crocodiles in my house / back yard.

feb 14 07

i was a spy played a show in my store. a regular customer came in and was looking to buy a weird item, she had to walk through the crowd. she had an open mind about it. they were playing by the greeting cards / ice cooler.

feb 15 07

zach was jamming with george harrison in a big old movie theatre. it was the same movie theatre i saw green day play in. there were big translucent doors and i was knocking and knocking trying to get zach to let me in. zach was getting along really well with george harrison.

Effie.

alicia drove to my house in her orange car; it was a standard. we were having a laugh and needed to get to the DMV, but couldn't take her car. so i got ready to drive the golf, after explaining to my dad (i lived at home) that i drive slower when i drive a standard. so after emerging from the lake of water the car was in, i drove away.

then i found myself looking for alicia, carless, still having to get to the DMV, so i hopped on the bus. there was a family with 4 girls. the second youngest, Effie, was adorable! you got on the bus and Effie was ecstatic. her preemie sister had 4 tubes coming out of her face. suddenly this moment launched into a commercial i was watching on tv. this family was russian and the preemie was a victim of child traficking; her parents sold her. i became instantly devasted and wanted to cry for Effie.

so, alone and sad in a beautiful hardwood floor apartment, i decided that i would light some candles and do some yoga while the kids i was babysitting slept, since i couldn't find alicia anyway. as i started to dig out the candles, you ran through the door with a single matress in your arms and blankets and bags and threw it to the ground playfully. you sat on the couch and i approached you and kissed you in very silly ways. carolyn and ashley burst in, laid on the matress back to back. they noticed our body language and asked if they should leave. i told them, "i kind of want you to stick around!" where i proceeded to slap carolyn's butt.

feb 06 07

the group went out into the football field where there was to be a grand unveiling. someone brought it out, a giant swath of fabric, green, blue, red and yellow. it was a pyramid. but there were holes in the fabric, which we had to patch with buckets and buckets of tiny velcro balls the same color as the walls. it was to be our project for the summer, and our home in the winter. we got to check out an already built pyramid. the walls were plastered and painted on the inside, the same color as the wall. it was huge enough to hold hundreds of students. i saw chris s. and someone else from my elementary school days, who used to be a dork but was now blazingly cool.

later i was serving popcorn to some ladies. they took a giant bag and filled it with a brick of popcorn that was stale and stuck together so that they could get more for their money. it was gross looking. i rang it in, and it said something like 4 dollars, and the women were mad, because it was too expensive. i had to get my boss gordie to tell me how much they cost. i had to do a really confusing computer program to fix it, because the women had paid for the popcorn several months ago and were only picking it up now.

feb 5 07

i was driving out to a house in the middle of nowhere, it was snowing like crazy. i tried to call my mom and tell her she didn't have to pick me up.

i was imprisoned in a big old house that was sort of like a museum, but an old woman owned it and she was holding us prisoner. there were three of us who couldn't escape. the guard there was working for her, he was always on the computer working out deals for smuggling cocaine into the country. he was really nice, and he was also a prisoner, except that he worked for the lady and she paid him.

there was a big black woman lawyer who wore a flowery mu mu and one of those cylindrical hats. she always came and went. we wanted to escape from the lady but it was scary. we knew she'd find us wherever we went.

we tried all sorts of things, i faked an injury, and we went into the museum and grabbed things heavy enough to hit her with, but when it came down to it, i was too afraid to try and hit her, in case it didn't knock her out. she sent us to get some "gendarmes" which turned out to be really old bicycles from WW1, and while we went to get them we once again tried to find something to hit her with, and once again chickened out.

finally, the woman went away for a day or 2, and we convinced the cocaine guy to help us. at first he said he wouldn't do it, and we went outside all sad. after a few minutes, he came out dressed as the big lawyer lady and started yelling at us in an impression of her voice, things like "hurry up, i'm not waiting all day". this made the neighbours not be suspicious of our leaving, since we were leaving with the lawyer lady. we went off with him / her through the woods in the back of people's yards.

jan 28 07

i was on my way to work, and kristy stopped to give me my guitar stand, but instead of folding it up, like i asked, she had taken it completely apart. i was really really upset. she offered me whiskey at 8am in the parking lot of my store.


feb 1 07

i was at a giant festival overseas. melanie was there as well. we were waiting for our food, which consisted of giant thick waffles, drenched with chocolate and whipped cream. i wanted seconds, but the cook had an auction, and a guy won the last one for 75 dollars, whereas i only had 33 dollars. plus, i was thinking that it would suck to go the rest of the festival with no money.

i ran into my doctor, who was a tattoo artist. he wanted to draw something on me, a giant scene from a movie, with 4 separate shots, one on each of my arms and legs. he did it in a weird way, made a grid out of string about a centimetre off the surface of my skin. the pictures were of nude men. i tried to make sure he knew i didn't want a tattoo. his wife came in and he started ignoring me, so i left.

carlito, carlito.

i was at my uncle and aunt's place for the night. my unrelated cousin was there and she was going to go partying with my brother and his friend. so i went for the drive.

they arrived at the large field at the top of my parents street. there was a semi-road built through the hay where cars were approaching the party barn and lots of people already present. i realized that the car we drove was a standard, and that someone would have to drive me back as i wasn't staying.

carleton became very angry and started yelling nasty things at me and getting that look in his eyes from when we were kids and i would pick on him so bad and he would be more than ready to kick my ass. then he picked up a telephone (with hundreds of feet of cord running from the barn) and chucked the receiver at my face.

mom and dad appeared (?) and took us both to their house down the road where they sooked me and made carleton apologize. on the wall, there was a chronology of my life from 5 pictures my parents had. another aunt had taken those pictures home, scanned them to one piece of glossy paper, titled it something about my life, and thumb tacked it to the wall.

8:00 AM

i was in your place.

jan 22

albert and kolin ran a school. there were lots of activities that happened there between 8 and 11 pm. i was doing something, but i told albert i'd be there at 10 to help out. later i realized i had to work from 10 to 11, so i couldn't go. i was really unhappy because i wanted to go to meet the ranger who protected the woods around the school (like aragorn from lord of the rings), who occasionally came in to teach the kids. no one liked him, but i was sure i'd understand him. when i finally met him though, he acted like a creepy old man.

then i was the main character in a movie, everything was seen from my point of view, and you never got to see my face. i was breaking into and out of apartments constantly, doing crazy flips and jumps all the time. by the end of it, i was doing all the breaking into and out of everywhere to avoid the creepy ranger guy. i put a cake into a cake competition with a student of mine. i couldn't go down to look at the cake because i was avoiding the ranger.

a giant gross looking pig was guarding the cake. the pig was either a) me b) a guardian spirit to protect me from the ranger or 3) a pig i hired to guard the cake. i don't think the pig was me, because i did a bunch of window flips that i assume a 400 pound pig incapable of.

the ranger still managed to see my cake because he called into the contest and said "that little chocolate one behind the pig, that's a mighty fine cake. it gets my vote", so my cake won because he was one of the celebrity judges. i was mortified, but my partner, the little girl, was standing by the cake and the pig and was beaming. then the narrators voice said "she finally won something, and that's all that matters" and then CREDITS started rolling even thought it didn't feel like the end of the story.

jan 14 07

i was playing in a giant school with yellow. i took some of the stuff out to the van or whatever. i tried to find my way back to the place we had played, but i couldn't find it. i was also looking for a new hat.

i told a friendly teacher guy of my 2 objectives. i learned that the cafeteria or wherever it was that we played was about to be destroyed, you know, wrecking balls and all that stuff. i was upset because my tuner and all my cables were still in there. i ws determined to get there before the room was demolished. the teacher i was with pointed out the hat store, and i asked if we were near the other room, and he said "oh no, that's way down there, i'll take you" but he was so interested in looking at the hats he wouldn't tell me exactly where the other room was.

i didn't think i could find it on my own. plus i wanted to be polite, and really, how long could it take to look at hats. this guy was SUPER interested in these hats, because they were made by his art students. i picked up a hat that was too small for me and i tried to stretch it a bit, but it stretched HUGE and i put it down really quick so no one would see that i'd ruined the hat.

finally i got fed up and left. i went into another door and saw some art students. they were going to show me where the room was but the got distracted and walked back into the room where i just was. it was an art supplies store / cafe type of thing.

i followed them to a door in the very back of the room, which opened up to a giant beach. it was night time. the proprietor of the store was an old woman who was a great artist (or the art girls thought so anyway). she had put an easel on the shore, even in the waves, and the art girls thought this was a genius idea, even without seeing or knowing anything about what was being painted on it.

-----------------------------------------

my niece and i were in an airport in australia. we hung out in the airport for a long time because we were so excited to be in australia, and every time someone spoke to us in an australian accent we would get very excited. we eventually went outside, and there were jungle like trees everywhere.

sometimes the sidewalk would delve into a bank of earth, and if the earth was dark brown, there would always be a half naked guy or two guarding it with a spear for some reason. even if the patch of earth was only a few feet. i thought about going to new zealand, but i felt like i couldn't because it would be copying off of jacky. i really wanted to go to new zealand.

-----------------------------------------

i was walking with 4 guys to a fancy house. when we get there, we went in and through to the veranda on the back. there was a bear creeping up on us. one of the guys made a scary face and scared away the bear. we went back inside, but one of the guys liked the bear and went outside and fed it bits of fish and octopus.

dec 25 06

i was in toronto visiting megan h. as we walked to her apartment, 3 boys proposed to her.

thousands of army men with guns in my backyard. and everywhere. i had to hide beneath the window. then they knocked on my door.

last week.

when i tried to call 911, they couldn't hear me. then he threw himself backwards off the apartment balcony next door.
this time, 911 heard me and sent over ambulances and other sirened vehicles.
when i looked down from my balcony, there were lights and paramedics wheeling a stretcher with an empty body bag back into the ambulance.
a broken machine laid where i expected to see his bloody body.

dec 19 06

it was my mom's birthday. my nieces and i started putting out the christmas presents. when we were halfway done, we realized it wasn't christmas, but only my mom's birthday, so we started putting them back. some of them were shaped like giant gingerbread men, and wrapped in the shape of gingerbread men. when i went back downstairs, my sister had taken the tree. everything. including all the ornaments, the little rug that goes under it, and everything. i asked her why she took it, and she said she just wanted it. my mom let her take it. i was so disappointed, because now for christmas, all the presents just had to sit on a bare patch of floor.

if i remember all my dreams,
the time when i was sleeping
hasn't just disappeared

thunder bay

oct 30 06

my parents and i were in the far north. everything was cold, cold. there wasn't any food left. i agreed that they could cook me and eat me. i saw a guy whose head had been cooked and i decided i didn't want them to cook me and eat me after all. i tried to get my parents to come with me and leave to try and find food, but it was really hard for them to walk because their legs were being cooked slowly, and their muscles didn't work anymore. it was really scary and sad.

oct 19 06

we were at a party at angelo s's. he gave lachie some acid and then lachie did coke. his skin turned grey and bags formed under his eyes and it made him look really old all of a sudden, and everyone was really concerned about him.

i got home from tour and my boss immediately called me in to work. when i got there there were three workers in red shirts putting price tags on everything, and there was a big black cash register. they were pinning things up on clotheslines, and cooking food. i couldn't believe how different the store was when i got back, i'd only been gone for a few weeks. i didn't know why my boss bought a new cash register.

sept 11

i was in a city that felt like st john's but seemed much bigger - though i think it was sydney, or at least halifax. i was with some people, getting ready for a night on the town.

i knew of a party that i was really looking forward to attending. it was melissa's going away party. this was going to be the last time i'd ever see her.
on the way to the party, i met up with her on the road. she had a bag of cheap jewelery and we laughed about it for a while, as we walked down taylor street.
she said she had something to show me before she left. her tone was flat, it was like she was using up the very last of her anger and disappointment and resentment, on the way to forgiveness. it was a tired sort of anger. i started to realize where we were headed - first brook, this place me and melissa used to hang out when we were younger. it made me feel remorseful and nostalgic. so nostalgic it was almost tangible.

i was looking through a book like a program, i found it in the bag with the cheap jewelery. it was filled with pictures, and as i turned the pages, the pictures became recognizable. i started to cry, and just then i looked up and we were there. i saw those same pictures in black and white - pictures of me and melissa in all of the memorable moments we've shared together - huge, billboard sized photos, ranged along the valley and lit with floodlights.

in the castle, being chased by the scary guy i came upon this dead end room.


i chose big.



uh oh. big seems to mean that everything (except me and my team) was really really big. plus we were in a department store / grocery store. (back then they didn't exist. hello foreshadowing.)



we were there for a really long time. that meant we had to raid the freezers for food. eventually we made a car out of a wire. or maybe we stole it from the mice. it was good for avoiding the giant humans. we didn't want to be squashed or turned into experiments.



we tried to escape through a ventilation grate. i don't know if we made it or not.

sept 3 06

kolin from the upstairs was a priest. i was hanging out with him, and he asked me if i wanted to do his sermon that night. i said "yeah, sure" before i thought about it. so the time rolls around, i was in jeans and a t-shirt and i realized i knew nothing about the bible / had nothing to say to these people. i started crying because i knew i just couldn't do it. i just imagined a church full of people sitting there waiting for a priest to come out, but no one would. but there was nothing i could do. i went down later, and kind of, snuck in the side door to see what had happened, and kolin was there and a girl was there playing the guitar, and he was talking to her in front of the congregation. it actually looked kind of fun, and i felt bad for making such a big scene. but he had found someone else, and didn't want me to do it after that because i was clearly crazy.

sept 1 06

i was with ian, we were waiting for a wedding to start. the groom hadn't shown up yet, and the wedding was going to start whenever he came. ian and i decided to go get something he'd forgotten in north sydney, and if we heard from the groom, we'd rush back over. so when we were in NS, of course the groom showed up. ian decided that to save time, he'd just drive straight across the harbour, over the thin, newly formed ice floes. all he had to do was drive really fast. we ended up underwater. somehow we were rescued by someone. i was very very angry with ian for recklessly endangering my life, and he was very indignant about my anger.

my favorite

august 9 06

i was in an attic, and came across a whole family of people who were supposed to have died long ago. they might have been ghosts, but i didn't know. they convinced me to let them fly the plane i was supposed to be flying. they seemed like they knew what they were doing. the mother crashed the plane into something big, maybe a bus. i was very upset and i started crying, because how could i explain to the police that i let a ghost fly my plane, and therefore it was the ghost, and not me, that was responsible for the deaths of all of those innocent people.

aug 4 06

i was losing all my hair. my forehead was expanding, and my part was widening. i was upset. then i was on a starship, something like the death star from star wars. everything was going fine, until the people i was with figured out the malicious nature of our invitation to the star ship - our hosts ate people.

all of the food we'd been served was either people or it was plants grown from nutrients gotten from human bodies. we started wandering around, trying to act normal, while looking out for ways to escape. i passed by a giant ballroom, now dark, and thought it would be a great place to hide later.

somehow we made it to the surface of a planet and tried to escape. huge boulders were being shot into the sky and then exploding, raining shrapnel down upon us. shane was hit in the shoulder by a piece of the shrapnel. he was hurt by it, but it didn't do any serious harm. the rock was heavy but malleable, the chunk that hit him had an impression of his arm, even the grain of the fabric of his shirt. it was like metal clay. they weren't trying to kill us right away, just trying to frighten us and bludgeon us slowly to death.

july 1 2006
melissa had a baby and it got stolen. and then i put together a puzzle shaped like a giant clock.

july 9 2006
i was imprisoned on an island. with the help of strange mole-people, i escaped. trying to hide in the scrubby underbrush while wearing a bright red shirt was really difficult. and i had no where to escape to, since it was an island. the mole people were nice, though.

glenn and the sloth

may 22 2006

i was at the store and there were hundreds of people coming in and going out, and because of this, we ran out of something. my co-worker was a grumpy old woman. we left the store, and went to sackville. by the time i got to sackville i was no longer gone to get something for the store, but i was with a school group. i said to myself "well, i know my way around sackville, i don't need to stay with the group." but i totally got lost.

it was a huge place, and i went the wrong way and ended up on this big hill that was a park. there was litter everywhere, and it was damp and gross. i kept going, and found myself near the outskirts of town. i ended up finding donnie's dorm room, jack and kevin were there too. they were drunk and unhelpful, they wouldn't tell me how to find the rest of my group. they laughed at me because i got lost, which made me even more upset. i finally got in touch with the rest of tom fun (who were the group i was looking for by this point), and they gave me all sorts of confusing directions ("we'll be somewhere between 1618 and 1623 something street").

i went where they told me, and found myself in narrow narrow alleyways between tall bricky buildings. i went into a narrow hallway and the doors inside had numbers on them like they ones the boys told me to find. it ended up being a funeral or memorial service for a famous artist, or writer, or musician, who i'd never really heard of. ian was really upset that the guy died. there were tons of hippies there, all sad because this person died. they were mad at me for being late.