my house
occasionally disappeared and reappeared somewhere else
and looked different every time
i only knew
it was mine
by the front door
which stayed the same

but now
so completely comfortable.
why did i lie down in the dewy grass?
because it was worth it.
i saw you
through the mist
squinting a bit
with the sun on my eyelashes
and your arms wrapped round me
giddy, joyful, glowing, comfort, content

we were going up and up a million spiral stairs in a cylindrical clock tower, or maybe it was a windmill. the higher it got the more nerve wracking it was, the stairs were rickety, and the tower jolted from side to side as the mechanism in the center, a large wooden pole with perpendicular poles for counterweights coming off at odd intervals, swung around and around.

once we got to a certain level, our friends were there suddenly. after walking and walking up all these stairs, we demanded how they got there so fast. they pointed out an "elevator" which was actually a bucket on a rope. i was just about ready to get in the bucket to try it, when i saw a group of people going up to the very top of the tower, higher than we were planning to go, because we weren't sure if it was safe. these people looked like a group with a tour guide and everything so i went to follow them. i really wanted to look out the window.

the walk up was very difficult, i kept being thrown against the railings by the swaying of the tower, which made me feel like i would fall over the side. at the top of the tower, there were huge, furnished rooms, almost like you'd find in a victorian era mansion. the people were gathered around the tour guide, near a big window. i couldn't feel the movement of the tower any more.

i asked to use the washroom and was directed down a long narrow hallway (how did this fit on top of the narrow tower? i had no idea). the washroom was weird, the toilet was really low and had a plastic covering that kept coming off because it was overflowing water onto the floor. i couldn't sit on it and it soaked my jeans. i saw a small ring or something on the floor and picked it up and put it in my pocket. i was a small dark-skinned girl with long long black hair.

when i came out of the room the place was in an uproar. the tour guide was looking for the jewel i had, and i got the impression that no good would come of it if i gave it to him. i tried to hide the tiny bulge in my jeans pocket, but the tour guide's female partner noticed it. she pretended she hadn't, and said "oh look at your wet jeans! i have another pair you could change into, just your size! come with me".

it was dark,
we were going to the mall.
devon, me, my boss's brother, and one or two others.
we were all dressed in our fancy clothes.
it was winter.
i tried to go into the mall but the lights were off, or the doors were locked.
it was the biggest building i'd ever seen, this mall. huge doors.
i came to a door that was open.
it was blocked by ice. a big chunk of ice suspended in the middle of the door by several thin filaments (how did it form? did someone put it there?)
we were determined to get in,
so i wrapped my arms around the chunk of ice and pushed it forward with my chest and belly.
the icicle strands broke and i dropped the chunk on the floor.
at that moment, donnie and his friend strolled by outside the now-open doorway.
he was dressed really fancy, maybe he was wearing a top-hat.
it was all very casual.

we were opening for oasis i guess.

we had to walk through this giant crowded mall to get to the backstage area. we didn't have our passes. we somehow figured out where the secret door was in the mall that let you go backstage. as we went to open the door a uniformed lady stopped us and asked to see our passes. we talked our way past her.

under the mall were long, maze-like corridors. the walls, floor and ceiling were concrete and painted blue. there were no signs. it was really confusing and a little scary, because i wasn't sure i could find my way back to where we started, and the corridors were so narrow i felt claustrophobic.

finally after walking for what felt like forever, i came out onto this metal framework thing, hanging in the air. i realized i was over the stage. on the lighting rig or something. i was trying to figure out how i'd get down off it. the drop looked pretty short at first, but on second glance i was REALLY far from the ground. i imagined the shock and pain in my legs if i tried to jump.

just then the stage manager came out. i thought i would get in trouble because i wasn't supposed to be there. but he wasn't mad, he started talking to me. he thought i was his new apprentice i guess. he pressed a button and the thing i was on lowered slowly to the ground.

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somehow i ended up in newfoundland by accident. i don't know how it happened, whoever i was with ended up going to newfoundland while i thought we were going somewhere else. so there i was in st john's. i met up with the hey rosettas, and they were kind of showing me around, but one by one they had to go off and do stuff on their own. me and whoever was left were thinking about going to a restaurant. then i realized i could call ruth, i had her number. this was awesome.

but then i realized her number had one too many digits in it. it was like 757-08765.
i didn't know which number was the wrong one. i tried a few combinations but none of them worked. so i called 411.

i explained to the guy my problem. he seemed really confused. he didn't really want to help me. i had to bug him to do it. "just look up RUTH S in mount pearl. i can even tell you if it's the right number by looking at the numbers i have here". he seemed to think it was a privacy issue.

but finally he put my call through.

oh great, i wish someone had warned me. i came here expecting to see a band i liked and now this is happening.
now here i am, totally vulnerable, embarrassed. i don't want to be here. and now SHE walks in. the worst person to ever see when this is going on. i feel guilty, i feel angry, a little scared. her sister looks at me with hate.

oh well, at least all my friends are here. wait, where is everyone?

i recognize a friend walking in the door. i wave enthusiastically, but... his sarcastic mocking face is strange to me. how did i think that was my friend? that guy is a complete stranger.

i am upset. i go to the washroom. HER sister is in there. she tells me, in her low way that i had better watch out, because she decided it was time i got what was coming to me. she said she had a friend, who would go to my house some day and kick the shit out of me. i told her to send him over, see if i care. but it was an act.

i need to get out of here. i walk toward the door and FINALLY see someone i know. she told me everyone was on the other side of the building watching yvette play. i am relived. that is where i belong, not here. i set off.

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something terrible happened to HER. she was attacked. i was consoling her. we we chatting like old friends. i knew everything would be all right as i was asking her if she still had the same phone number.

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i was somewhere that looked like ashby, but it had insane geological formations like nowhere else in the world. i was walking down near whitney avenue when i saw a grassy area. i walked toward it and i saw a mound of rock, inside a plane of smooth rock, like a fried egg shape. the mound of rock was GUSHING water. i somehow knew how it was happening, another smooth plane of rock under the ground was creating pressure. the mound of rock in the centre was actually a column of spongy porous rock, so the pressure caused water from below to shoot out.

i had to go and get the others to see it.

SHE suggested we stop at the bakery which was in the temple on whitney ave. it was a really fancy bakery. she bought the biggest donut i had ever seen in my entire life, it was more of a cake. i asked for a bite, she was reluctant to let me taste the icing but i insisted. it was delicious. the cake-nut had a trough in the top which held a ton of icing. really great icing too.

i wondered if i should get a donut-cake too, but i looked around a bit. there were glass cases with the really fancy cakes in them. the glass was very dirty and scratched. in these little glass dishes there was some sort of thing with fluffy pink stuff floating beneath a smooth surface covered in what looked like cinnamon.

i saw some little poppy-seed cakes that looked like they were baked in a soup-bowl. they were on display on little stands, rounded side down, at an artistic angle. the tops were cut into pointy, windswept shapes. they looked a bit like flowers. i thought i'd get one of those.

i couldn't believe how dirty and scratched the glass was, though.

my sister and some other people and i went to see david suzuki in an arena thing. at one point everyone put on roller-skates and there was some sort of competiton. devon either won or was on the winning team. i wasn't even trying to win, i didn't understand the game.

i LOVED my rollerskates though, they were bright red. i decided i would keep them. i went to the washroom with my bag and folded the rollerskates up and fit them in and changed my shoes. my shoes were bright red too. almost immediately someone started questioning me about the rollerskates. someone was defending me, and i said i had already returned them, so i figured they had no way to prove it. i hoped they didn't ask to search my bag.

i was somewhere with dave and another person. their cell phones went off at the same time. the way it worked was that when a cell phone rang, it became huge, and you got on it and jumped around as if it was a pogo stick while it was ringing. i did not find this funny, but the ring tones they were using for their phones cracked me up so much, i woke up laughing.

my cousin's wife, karen, requested to be buried alive on the right side of our house. of all the ways you could do yourself in, i wondered why she would choose this one. but we complied.

a few months later we accidentally dug her up. she was still alive. very thin, but otherwise not really upset at having been buried alive starving to death for months alone in the dark. she seemed fine, emotionally, other than having decided against the whole being buried alive thing. i wondered if she previously had an adverse reaction, screaming and so on, but we just didn't hear her, and now she had come to accept her fate and yet was pleasantly surprised at her good fortune.

i called 911 for two ambulances. i don't remember who the other one was for. i remember thinking the other person probably didn't need an ambulance, and wondering if i would get in trouble, and who would have to pay for the ambulance if i called it accidentally. the guy on the 911 line told me to stay on the line, but once i got distracted by those thoughts i hung up without thinking. i was happy to see the ambulance pulling in for poor karen though.

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i somehow convinced my parents to come traveling with me. we went to dharamsala, which was a small island in the middle of what looked like a river on the map but was actually an ocean. india looked alot like siberia once we got there, the people were all dressed in russian clothes.

we were in the hotel lobby, i smiled at a chinese man, and he said "i speak english". i said "i was just smiling", as if he had insulted me.

the island was beautiful. there were breaking waves along the cliffy shores, and actually a clear green glacier dipping into the ocean. the glacier was lit from below by spotlights under the ocean, so it glowed. it looked amazing.

we ran into the production crew from one of those action adventure shows. the premise was that a young boy would brave the elements and swim across the cold choppy water to get to the island. i was very worried about him. the waves pounded against the cliffs very forcefully.

i suggested to my parents that we go see the taj mahal the next morning.

i was at a park with jack and dan. we were watching frisbee / basketball. a young thin will smith was the star of the team.

then we left the park, dan realized he wanted to get a special burger you can only get in the park. the concrete was slippery and covered in fine sand.

we ran into a friend of jack and dan's, she said she'd drive me to the pier, but first she invited me in for supper. her parents and two younger sisters were there. they were having the most delicious looking salad for supper.

i was watching the younger sister feed the baby the salad. the baby had one of those cone things around her neck (the ones that dogs get when they have an operation), except hers was a glass bowl. it was almost filled up with salad dressing and water. the baby was immersed in it, but would crane her neck to get out of the water to breathe or get another bite of salad. i was upset by this so i tipped the salad dressing out of the baby's neck bowl onto the floor.

the salad had real eggs and fake eggs in it, and i was cleaning the baby's face with paper towel that wasn't made of paper.

somehow i had a closet full of magic dresses all of a sudden. the dresses were all made of this very thick material, like as thick as a comforter. i put one on, and i felt better, but i couldn't figure out how to wear it. it came with these thick satiny boots, and a hat. every time i tried to go out of the house i realized something was wrong with my magic dress. i wanted to wear the hat, and i wouldn't be able to take it off because my hair was all wispy and unwashed. so i walked out the door with it on, and then realized it wasn't on anymore. i wanted to wear a sweater under it but i kept accidentally putting on other people's sweaters (they were even different colors than my sweater). also, i had a full moustache. i wanted to girls to agree to stop and get some facial waxing thing. i could see that one of them had a blonde moustache too. i couldn't believe we never noticed we had full whiskery moustaches before.

we were in the car, on the way home. my parents were in the front seats. they seemed upset. "are you going to tell her?" they asked each other. i demanded to know. they told me that since my female dog, sady, was now obviously pregnant, they had my male dog, jake, put to sleep. they said he was bothering her and that they wouldn't trust him with the puppies. i was incensed! surely there were other things we could have done... we could have given him away, he was a beautiful friendly dog. or we could have even kept him upstairs in our house until the puppies were grown up. i had the feeling they planned to put him down in this event and kept it secret from me the whole time. i felt so frustrated and betrayed and sad.


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my dad and i were walking the perimeter of a newly sown field. parts had plants sprouting, and parts were just black, tilled earth. it was night time, but there was bright moonlight bathing everything. i felt totally peaceful. i was walking along these 2 wooden planks that were on the edge. i wanted to walk around the whole field, but we came upon a house and my dad thought we were on someone else's property so we turned back the way we came. i touched the black soil and it was soft and cool and light because it had just been turned.
we came upon a shed and dad made me go in and use the CB radio. i was making an announcement, but i don't remember what it was. he said it was my chance to make him proud.

i wanted to go to a festival in newfoundland. i just decided to go. i was at the college, i thought they could probably rent me a dorm room for the duration of the festival. i ended up in the baby area of the college. just tons of soft mats on the floor, kind of like baby corrals. babies everywhere. i was waiting and waiting at the counter for the lady to answer my questions about the dorms. i saw zach atkinson, he was in charge of the festival. he didn't seem to recognize me, though. then someone told me the festival went on for a whole month. that was upsetting. i didn't have that kind of money. i had to take the programme for the festival and sit and think hard about which bands i really wanted to see.

i was on an airplane with aaron corbett. it was a happy feeling. the plane was very spacious. there was entertainment on the plane too. i couldn't wait. then andrew from share came running down the aisle of the plane with his shirt tied around his waist, strumming a guitar and singing / screaming nirvana songs. he was clearly loaded. later in the flight he threw up on one of the seats.

i wanted to go in the back part of the plane, it was almost like a veranda, you could get a breath of air and it wasn't cramped back there at all. i started walking back but the air hostess gave me a dirty look and said i wasn't allowed back there because of what my "friend just did". i was pissed. i barely knew the guy and just because he was drunk and threw up all over the plane didn't mean i was going to.

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i was in my new apartment. i was trying and trying not to make a mess because i felt so lazy i didn't want to clean anything. the apartment was grimy and dingy enough. i invited some girls over and tried to pretend i wasn't annoyed that i had to give them glasses to have their drinks in. all i could think of was how hard it would be to clean up. also the apartment was really quite dirty.

then i was in a car with a british girl i met overseas. i was trying to give her directions to get to my place but the roads were very weird and the buildings were tall and i couldn't see past them and she was going super fast. it was down on bentinck street by daniels, and it was familiar but when we got there i could barely remember the directions and there seemed to be more streets than i remembered.

then i was at my house. my dog was about to go up the stairs, because i forgot to leave the gate up. i was upset because he could get to my new apartment by going up the stairs even though my apartment was across town. one of the girls had broken the tiny custard cup that i gave her her drink in, and i was afraid my dog would eat it.

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we went to see the oracle or fortune teller or clairvoyant or whatever. we saw him on the grassy plain. he told me a lion would be coming after me. i was super nervous because lions are the most terrifying things that exist in the entire world. i went in my bedroom and left the door open a crack and looked through the crack constantly. i could see the hallway and then the rest of the house was just like a savannah. the lion was coming towards me.

today was the day the final 2 crocodiles had arrived. a man brought them on the back of his truck in green plastic garbage bins.

my dad was keeping weird and dangerous animals in my garage. he had 2 boa constrictors, 4 crocodiles, a lion and a panther in my garage.

my dad kept getting me to come in the garage and admire his "pets" but naturally i was scared witless. i was constantly trying to tell him that if one of the snakes squeezed through a crack in the barn door and made off with a neighborhood child he'd be in big trouble, but he'd have none of it. not to mention that these animals couldn't possibly be in a pleasant state of mind, hanging out in a dark tiny barn all day avoiding the other dangerous animals.

but i went in to see because my dad insisted. i ended up in a compromising position, where the panther started stalking me around the barn, the faster i moved the more eagerly it followed me. i ended up having to flick the flashlight in my hand to distract it and get it to stop following me. i got out of the barn as quick as i could.

my main concern in all of this was my small dog. i was sure one of the snakes or crocs would eat her.

there were people looking for me. the police were involved. there was a reward for me, dead or alive. it was for something i didn't know would make me a fugitive, reading a book i wasn't supposed to read or something. the posted a sign on my front door, saying there was a 1000 dollar reward for catching me (it was a poor neighborhood). they didn't know i was still in the house, because every time they came, i hid in the top part of my closet. but one day about 50 people came in my house with rifles and they saw me in the closet and pointed them at me. the jig was up.

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i was at an amusement park with my grandmother. i was wondering what ride she could go on that wouldn't be to scary for her. i figured i shouldn't take her on any, because she was really old and senile.

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we drove through a town. we were looking for a certain building. the first part of the town was crowded with shitty looking houses but we didn't see any people. as we were nearing the normal part of town, we saw two people lying on the ground, right next to the road. they were dead. there was a baby nearby. i tried to call 911 but the call wouldn't go through. i tried to call 411 to find out the emergency number, but they told us a cult leader had instructed the cult members to kill themselves the night before. we wondered if we should take the baby with us.

i walked through a town and into the giant boat. it was like a coast guard boat. they said we had to pick a bunk before lights out, but the one i went into had two strangers in it so i went out, and the lights went out. i couldn't find anyone.

i started cutting my hair in the bathroom using a knife. it was an insanely sharp knife, it cut through the hair so easy. i walked out all proud of myself and i said to someone "look! i cut my own hair, with a knife." and they said "yeah, i can tell. it looks gross."

i was heartbroken.

i killed 6 people, but they caught me. jian gomeshi was doing the lie detector test. i thought i might be able to get away with it, since no one actually suspected me. we were near mt. sinai. i wondered if a priest could forgive me, or if he'd just call the cops and tell them what i had done.

this crazy cougar-ish lady kept showing up at the office. she was the most obnoxious person i had ever come across before in my life, and she refused to leave. i finally figured out she was only coming to the office to steal music paraphernalia (there was a guy who worked there who collected old rock and roll stuff).

i called the police on her, but they were on vacation. they would only come out if the situation was threatening to someone's life. they listened to me bemusedly and then asked "and does this sound to you as if someone's life is in danger? well, then you can figure it out for yourself." i was filled with frustration. i saw her grab a bunch of lanyard festival passes off of the wall of an office.

i wanted to punch her in the face, but she was a wiry old cougar. i had plans of blowing up the office building just so i could kill her.

something about a big old rambling house, and a fun mission we were about to embark on outside in the cold crisp air. i was singing celine dion's song from titanic and "one fine day" by mariah carey and boyz 2 men as a lark. it was really fun and lighthearted.

i went to see a crazy concert in a giant building. randy curnew from c'mon was there with some of his crazy friends. i was just about to leave when i saw mike o set up to play. i went and sat as close to the front as i possibly could. i accidentally unplugged his monitor. i was embarrassed at myself for acting so familiar, when in fact we'd only barely met. but it was all ok when he started playing one of my songs in his own awesome style. i felt like i was floating above the ground.

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the band was playing in china. ian told me carmen was going to come and sing with us, so i decided to quit the band and go travelling in japan. morgan walked me to the airport. i realized when i got to the airport that i didn't have my passport with me. i was going to sit there and wait until they made me a new one.

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i thought i might be pregnant. i kept throwing up in the bushes. but the pregnancy test was too vague, it was like "light purple if you're pregnant, dark purple if you're not". i couldn't tell if it was light or dark purple. i thought it was a pretty stupid test.