i was somewhere with dave and another person. their cell phones went off at the same time. the way it worked was that when a cell phone rang, it became huge, and you got on it and jumped around as if it was a pogo stick while it was ringing. i did not find this funny, but the ring tones they were using for their phones cracked me up so much, i woke up laughing.

my cousin's wife, karen, requested to be buried alive on the right side of our house. of all the ways you could do yourself in, i wondered why she would choose this one. but we complied.

a few months later we accidentally dug her up. she was still alive. very thin, but otherwise not really upset at having been buried alive starving to death for months alone in the dark. she seemed fine, emotionally, other than having decided against the whole being buried alive thing. i wondered if she previously had an adverse reaction, screaming and so on, but we just didn't hear her, and now she had come to accept her fate and yet was pleasantly surprised at her good fortune.

i called 911 for two ambulances. i don't remember who the other one was for. i remember thinking the other person probably didn't need an ambulance, and wondering if i would get in trouble, and who would have to pay for the ambulance if i called it accidentally. the guy on the 911 line told me to stay on the line, but once i got distracted by those thoughts i hung up without thinking. i was happy to see the ambulance pulling in for poor karen though.

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i somehow convinced my parents to come traveling with me. we went to dharamsala, which was a small island in the middle of what looked like a river on the map but was actually an ocean. india looked alot like siberia once we got there, the people were all dressed in russian clothes.

we were in the hotel lobby, i smiled at a chinese man, and he said "i speak english". i said "i was just smiling", as if he had insulted me.

the island was beautiful. there were breaking waves along the cliffy shores, and actually a clear green glacier dipping into the ocean. the glacier was lit from below by spotlights under the ocean, so it glowed. it looked amazing.

we ran into the production crew from one of those action adventure shows. the premise was that a young boy would brave the elements and swim across the cold choppy water to get to the island. i was very worried about him. the waves pounded against the cliffs very forcefully.

i suggested to my parents that we go see the taj mahal the next morning.

i was at a park with jack and dan. we were watching frisbee / basketball. a young thin will smith was the star of the team.

then we left the park, dan realized he wanted to get a special burger you can only get in the park. the concrete was slippery and covered in fine sand.

we ran into a friend of jack and dan's, she said she'd drive me to the pier, but first she invited me in for supper. her parents and two younger sisters were there. they were having the most delicious looking salad for supper.

i was watching the younger sister feed the baby the salad. the baby had one of those cone things around her neck (the ones that dogs get when they have an operation), except hers was a glass bowl. it was almost filled up with salad dressing and water. the baby was immersed in it, but would crane her neck to get out of the water to breathe or get another bite of salad. i was upset by this so i tipped the salad dressing out of the baby's neck bowl onto the floor.

the salad had real eggs and fake eggs in it, and i was cleaning the baby's face with paper towel that wasn't made of paper.

somehow i had a closet full of magic dresses all of a sudden. the dresses were all made of this very thick material, like as thick as a comforter. i put one on, and i felt better, but i couldn't figure out how to wear it. it came with these thick satiny boots, and a hat. every time i tried to go out of the house i realized something was wrong with my magic dress. i wanted to wear the hat, and i wouldn't be able to take it off because my hair was all wispy and unwashed. so i walked out the door with it on, and then realized it wasn't on anymore. i wanted to wear a sweater under it but i kept accidentally putting on other people's sweaters (they were even different colors than my sweater). also, i had a full moustache. i wanted to girls to agree to stop and get some facial waxing thing. i could see that one of them had a blonde moustache too. i couldn't believe we never noticed we had full whiskery moustaches before.

we were in the car, on the way home. my parents were in the front seats. they seemed upset. "are you going to tell her?" they asked each other. i demanded to know. they told me that since my female dog, sady, was now obviously pregnant, they had my male dog, jake, put to sleep. they said he was bothering her and that they wouldn't trust him with the puppies. i was incensed! surely there were other things we could have done... we could have given him away, he was a beautiful friendly dog. or we could have even kept him upstairs in our house until the puppies were grown up. i had the feeling they planned to put him down in this event and kept it secret from me the whole time. i felt so frustrated and betrayed and sad.


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my dad and i were walking the perimeter of a newly sown field. parts had plants sprouting, and parts were just black, tilled earth. it was night time, but there was bright moonlight bathing everything. i felt totally peaceful. i was walking along these 2 wooden planks that were on the edge. i wanted to walk around the whole field, but we came upon a house and my dad thought we were on someone else's property so we turned back the way we came. i touched the black soil and it was soft and cool and light because it had just been turned.
we came upon a shed and dad made me go in and use the CB radio. i was making an announcement, but i don't remember what it was. he said it was my chance to make him proud.

i wanted to go to a festival in newfoundland. i just decided to go. i was at the college, i thought they could probably rent me a dorm room for the duration of the festival. i ended up in the baby area of the college. just tons of soft mats on the floor, kind of like baby corrals. babies everywhere. i was waiting and waiting at the counter for the lady to answer my questions about the dorms. i saw zach atkinson, he was in charge of the festival. he didn't seem to recognize me, though. then someone told me the festival went on for a whole month. that was upsetting. i didn't have that kind of money. i had to take the programme for the festival and sit and think hard about which bands i really wanted to see.

i was on an airplane with aaron corbett. it was a happy feeling. the plane was very spacious. there was entertainment on the plane too. i couldn't wait. then andrew from share came running down the aisle of the plane with his shirt tied around his waist, strumming a guitar and singing / screaming nirvana songs. he was clearly loaded. later in the flight he threw up on one of the seats.

i wanted to go in the back part of the plane, it was almost like a veranda, you could get a breath of air and it wasn't cramped back there at all. i started walking back but the air hostess gave me a dirty look and said i wasn't allowed back there because of what my "friend just did". i was pissed. i barely knew the guy and just because he was drunk and threw up all over the plane didn't mean i was going to.

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i was in my new apartment. i was trying and trying not to make a mess because i felt so lazy i didn't want to clean anything. the apartment was grimy and dingy enough. i invited some girls over and tried to pretend i wasn't annoyed that i had to give them glasses to have their drinks in. all i could think of was how hard it would be to clean up. also the apartment was really quite dirty.

then i was in a car with a british girl i met overseas. i was trying to give her directions to get to my place but the roads were very weird and the buildings were tall and i couldn't see past them and she was going super fast. it was down on bentinck street by daniels, and it was familiar but when we got there i could barely remember the directions and there seemed to be more streets than i remembered.

then i was at my house. my dog was about to go up the stairs, because i forgot to leave the gate up. i was upset because he could get to my new apartment by going up the stairs even though my apartment was across town. one of the girls had broken the tiny custard cup that i gave her her drink in, and i was afraid my dog would eat it.

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we went to see the oracle or fortune teller or clairvoyant or whatever. we saw him on the grassy plain. he told me a lion would be coming after me. i was super nervous because lions are the most terrifying things that exist in the entire world. i went in my bedroom and left the door open a crack and looked through the crack constantly. i could see the hallway and then the rest of the house was just like a savannah. the lion was coming towards me.

today was the day the final 2 crocodiles had arrived. a man brought them on the back of his truck in green plastic garbage bins.

my dad was keeping weird and dangerous animals in my garage. he had 2 boa constrictors, 4 crocodiles, a lion and a panther in my garage.

my dad kept getting me to come in the garage and admire his "pets" but naturally i was scared witless. i was constantly trying to tell him that if one of the snakes squeezed through a crack in the barn door and made off with a neighborhood child he'd be in big trouble, but he'd have none of it. not to mention that these animals couldn't possibly be in a pleasant state of mind, hanging out in a dark tiny barn all day avoiding the other dangerous animals.

but i went in to see because my dad insisted. i ended up in a compromising position, where the panther started stalking me around the barn, the faster i moved the more eagerly it followed me. i ended up having to flick the flashlight in my hand to distract it and get it to stop following me. i got out of the barn as quick as i could.

my main concern in all of this was my small dog. i was sure one of the snakes or crocs would eat her.

there were people looking for me. the police were involved. there was a reward for me, dead or alive. it was for something i didn't know would make me a fugitive, reading a book i wasn't supposed to read or something. the posted a sign on my front door, saying there was a 1000 dollar reward for catching me (it was a poor neighborhood). they didn't know i was still in the house, because every time they came, i hid in the top part of my closet. but one day about 50 people came in my house with rifles and they saw me in the closet and pointed them at me. the jig was up.

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i was at an amusement park with my grandmother. i was wondering what ride she could go on that wouldn't be to scary for her. i figured i shouldn't take her on any, because she was really old and senile.

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we drove through a town. we were looking for a certain building. the first part of the town was crowded with shitty looking houses but we didn't see any people. as we were nearing the normal part of town, we saw two people lying on the ground, right next to the road. they were dead. there was a baby nearby. i tried to call 911 but the call wouldn't go through. i tried to call 411 to find out the emergency number, but they told us a cult leader had instructed the cult members to kill themselves the night before. we wondered if we should take the baby with us.

i walked through a town and into the giant boat. it was like a coast guard boat. they said we had to pick a bunk before lights out, but the one i went into had two strangers in it so i went out, and the lights went out. i couldn't find anyone.

i started cutting my hair in the bathroom using a knife. it was an insanely sharp knife, it cut through the hair so easy. i walked out all proud of myself and i said to someone "look! i cut my own hair, with a knife." and they said "yeah, i can tell. it looks gross."

i was heartbroken.

i killed 6 people, but they caught me. jian gomeshi was doing the lie detector test. i thought i might be able to get away with it, since no one actually suspected me. we were near mt. sinai. i wondered if a priest could forgive me, or if he'd just call the cops and tell them what i had done.

this crazy cougar-ish lady kept showing up at the office. she was the most obnoxious person i had ever come across before in my life, and she refused to leave. i finally figured out she was only coming to the office to steal music paraphernalia (there was a guy who worked there who collected old rock and roll stuff).

i called the police on her, but they were on vacation. they would only come out if the situation was threatening to someone's life. they listened to me bemusedly and then asked "and does this sound to you as if someone's life is in danger? well, then you can figure it out for yourself." i was filled with frustration. i saw her grab a bunch of lanyard festival passes off of the wall of an office.

i wanted to punch her in the face, but she was a wiry old cougar. i had plans of blowing up the office building just so i could kill her.

something about a big old rambling house, and a fun mission we were about to embark on outside in the cold crisp air. i was singing celine dion's song from titanic and "one fine day" by mariah carey and boyz 2 men as a lark. it was really fun and lighthearted.

i went to see a crazy concert in a giant building. randy curnew from c'mon was there with some of his crazy friends. i was just about to leave when i saw mike o set up to play. i went and sat as close to the front as i possibly could. i accidentally unplugged his monitor. i was embarrassed at myself for acting so familiar, when in fact we'd only barely met. but it was all ok when he started playing one of my songs in his own awesome style. i felt like i was floating above the ground.

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the band was playing in china. ian told me carmen was going to come and sing with us, so i decided to quit the band and go travelling in japan. morgan walked me to the airport. i realized when i got to the airport that i didn't have my passport with me. i was going to sit there and wait until they made me a new one.

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i thought i might be pregnant. i kept throwing up in the bushes. but the pregnancy test was too vague, it was like "light purple if you're pregnant, dark purple if you're not". i couldn't tell if it was light or dark purple. i thought it was a pretty stupid test.

my mom and i stood on the beach, watching the big waves break. i loved the moment when they curled over and turned white, and the perfect arc broke into foamy clouds. we waded out, felt the strong push as they hit our stomachs, and the pull on our legs, sinking our feet into the sand.

the waves kept growing bigger and bigger, almost knocking us over, so we walked closer and closer to shore. soon the waves were taller than a person, and we were intimidated. they rose up, and cast long shadows on the shore.

the first one to go was christina from grey's anatomy. she was standing on a car in the middle of the beach. she was the only one out so far. she thought she was tough, thought she would dare the waves, but she wasn't looking behind her. she didn't see how high it towered up. it was as big as a house. it had a frightening power. like a solid wall. it moved so quickly toward her, we didn't even see her disappear. we knew she'd get caught in the swirling undertow.

the next wave came from very far away. all of the water sucked back from the beach. it soared up into the sky, higher than a skyscraper, blocking out the sunlight.
my mom and i started to run, we had to get off the beach onto higher ground. i was trying to figure out where to go, would the buildings fall down? should we try to go on a roof? on foot there were not too many options of escape.

even with this terrifying wave, i scanned the top, needing to see the moment it turned white and started to break.

we had a bit of time, so we were rifling through our belongings in our dresser. i tried to put on as many layers of clothing as i could. i knew this place would be under water if i ever came back. my dad put on his raingear, and i put on thermal socks. it was freezing.

i was on the road, somewhere, and i found that someone had read my journal. they left a little note in it, i didn't recognize the handwriting. it wasn't such a big deal, because there was nothing in it, but the fact they did it and were so mean about it was totally unnerving. i was too upset to do anything, so i asked albert to drive me home. morgan was in the car too, and he and jenna found what happened really funny. it broke my heart, and i felt sick to my stomach. we stopped at a light and melissa was outside of the car, leaning in and asking albert if he had a cigarette lighter. she smiled at me mockingly.

when i got home, i thought i would hide my journal away, planned to lock it in a locked box. but when i got home, i found that the box was open, and all my other journals were scattered about, and the lock was missing. that was insane, this person broke into my house to get to my stuff. i looked in the diaries, and there were notes for me there too, detailing horrible things i've done, calling me a horrible person, saying i deserved to be miserable. just brutal stuff. they even started to get more violent and threatening.

it was a terrible nightmare.

i was going to jam with mike o'neill at his house, which was on taylor street. which was for some reason really long. we drove up and down the street, unable to find his house, even though i'd been there before. finally, i saw him in the window. all the houses looked exactly the same except one, which was white with faint purple speckles, or polka dots, and of course this was the one he lived in.

when i got there i brought way too much gear inside, 2 guitars, 2 amps, and i accidentally brought the left-handed banjo in with me. there was a party going on downstairs, but we were going to jam up the stairs and on the landing in front of the second floor.

mike came down to the living room as i was bringing some more stuff in, and said he wasn't able to jam after all, but that i should enjoy the party. some people were playing guitars, one guy played a song that jack macintosh had written. it had beautiful chords and weird lyrics. i realized that lachie was there, and i was so excited. he had gotten a haircut, and was totally clean shaven and looked really young. he was there with rachael gurstein. i asked lachie if we could jam, and he said he didn't know any of my songs, but i had meant we should jam horses songs.

henry from the show ugly betty was there with his girlfriend. she was this pig nosed lady who always comes in my store to buy papers while reeking of pot. she didn't like me at all, every time i would knock something over or something like that she would yell out "alicia's knocking over your things on purpose. everyone keep an eye on her, she's up to no good!"

later henry and i were watching a movie in my spare room, and i realized he had put his hand in my sweater pocket, so we were holding hands through my sweater.
and that was the end.

i was making myself some toast when i noticed right next to the toaster a package of toast-flavored french fries.

we were at a restaurant, and for some reason i ordered a hot dog, on a subway bun with just mayonnaise (and lots of it.) it was one of the grossest things i had ever tasted.
i also stole a plane.

a terrifying nightmare:

something had broken into the house and ripped open my friend's mom's body. i walked in and she was white, her stomach was gaping, blood spattered all over the room. i was paralyzed with fear, unable to breathe.

at first i thought it was some kind of paranormal beast or spirit. that is the kind of thing i can't deal with.

but later i realized there had been a strange cube shaped object in the room. the same object that was now in the room with the three of us. we figured out that it could give off high pitched frequencies that were capable of doing any number of bad things to a person. as we talked it over, looking fearfully at the object, a switch flipped over and it started to tick.

i ran for the door, followed by the other two. after i crossed the threshold, they stopped running after me. i was sure they knew how important it was to get as far away from this thing as possible. i looked back to urge them to hurry, and they were not in the room, and there was no other exit besides the door i was standing in front of. i felt like i was going to throw up.